Holy Shit

I have not posted in a while.

Truthfully, I haven't been taking care of myself. I've been overeating, overdrinking, overeverything. I've been stressed, depressed, all your basic "essed" things. Things in my life have been hard lately, and the easiest thing to "let go" when your life is hard is the dedication to "being good" about food/exercise all that.

But I've still been keeping tabs on all my favorite fat blogs, trying really hard to get myself back into a mental place where I can start taking care of myself again...This is not your basic fat blog. Most of the ones I read are about acceptance, health at any size, etc...

This is a blog dedicated to my wanting very much to lose weight. I wish I didn't want to, I wish I shared the wonderful, luminous, beautiful (and so effing SMART) Kate Harding's perspective...I wish that I was just about being healthy. But the truth is...I'm not. I'd just love to be thin, or at least "thin enough." When I was at my thinnest, aftering weight-watchering myself down to about 175, a size 12...That was "thin enough." I didn't think it was at the time, but at 250 and size 20, I know now that it was. I was fine. I was healthy, gorgeous, smart, wonderful....I'm still all those things (minus the healthy), but I still can't get past the way society sees me. I still want to walk into a bar and NOT be the girl that guys think they can target at last call bc "she's fat, she must be desperate for a lay."

I'd like to not be that girl, but sometimes...I just am. Sometimes I *do* go off with some guy just because I'm thrilled that he's paying attention to me. I know there are those of you out there who weigh as much or more than me who have never had a problem getting dates...but I'm not one of them. I'm just not. Guys have only ever paid serious attention to me when I was thinner. Is it the attitude? I dont' know. Because there have been plenty of times when I've gone out on the town at this size feeling GREAT and confident, and that hasn't really changed the way guys have responded to me. As I say in my sidebar, I'm sometimes even a little full of myself because I'm one of those fat girls who suffers from "such a pretty face" syndrome. I'm pretty...And I carry my weight well and most of the time...even at this weight, I think I look pretty good. But still the guy thing isn't there, so yeah...maybe sometimes I am an easy target.

I know that "getting into a bikini by the time I'm thirty" (the expressed purpose of my recent efforts at WW and this particular blog) should not be the be all end all...and deep down I know it isn't...I just sometimes? Also? Feel like it IS. I just want to be like everyone else. I had dinner with a thin friend tonight and watched her devour a plate of tacos and three margaritas.

I did the same, and had a great time...but the whole time I bet you she was not thinking about how much it was going to "cost" her. I was. Because it will. I've been fat since I was 3 years old, long before I even knew what "fat" was. Clearly, my body is built to store fat. It's in my family...me being very fat is partially, at least, about my genetic and biological makeup. It's also somewhat about my admittedly very poor habits and tendency to overeat and not exercise. But I think there are lots of folks who eat the same as me and are sedentary that don't have these issues...

So...To be "thin enough" I'm going to have to be somewhat miserable and depriving myself forever. And maybe that's fine, maybe someday I'll beat the catastrophic odds telling me I can't do it. Maybe I'll get "dedicated" enough. But most of the time, tonight in particular because I'm feeling a little down...I doubt it.

And that sucks.

And then I turn on TV and theres stupid "Boston Legal," a show I never watch but there was nothing else on. And big fat William Shatner FIRES someone at this fictional firm for being too fat. And then when she sues him he scoffs at her that no jury will agree with her, because "juries like winners" and she is clearly a "loser" because she's so fat.

And I couldn't help sitting here, outraged, and sadly agreeing that he is probably right. Juries reflect society, do they not? And society hates fatties.

And sometimes it just pisses me off. Because I was reading some comments on one of Kate Harding's posts today...and people were kind of joking about how society is more than willing to accept that there are some bodies that are biologically incapable of gaining weight no matter how much a person eats and doesn't exercise. We all know that guy or girl who eats "like a pig" all the time and never puts on a pound. But they AREN'T willing to accept that there are also some bodies incapable of losing.

And the fact is...even when I'm being as "good" as I can possibly be...I still don't lose much. It's infuriating and I don't know what to do. Becuase as much as I admire the fat acceptance movement....I just don't accept my fat. I want to be thin.

Or at least thin enough.

And really right now? I'm just really bummed out about it. That is all.

Ew, I Sound So Pathetic!

I just re-read my previous post....and if I were a casual observer, I'd say my problem is my defeatist attitude and self pity. Heh.

My first instinct is to edit it, or write a disclaimer saying "I'm not usually like this! I swear normally I'm chipper, and while I know the admission that I snarfed a whole pint of Ben & Jerry's before writing it is very "oh no wonder you're fat, fattie!"...I don't usually do that either. I actually eat healthier than most people I know! I swear! I SWEAR!"

But now I'm thinking...fuck that. Because why shouldn't I have a pity party sometimes? And WHO am I apologizing to if I break down after a bad day and overeat? I mean, I know it's bad, but why should I apologize or feel bad about it? Just move on, that's what Weight Watchers says. My leader my first time around in WW (who I miss despearately, becuase she was the only leader I've had who didn't make me want to gag or roll my eyes out of my head) used to say "If you go off program, of if you have a binge, it doens't matter how much you ate. It doesn't matter if you binge for a week straight. Or a month straight! All you have to do is lick your fingers, say 'Damn that was delicious,' and just move on and keep going."

I loved that. I never forgot it. And really...that ice cream was good. Heh.

So anyway....