Ew, I Sound So Pathetic!

I just re-read my previous post....and if I were a casual observer, I'd say my problem is my defeatist attitude and self pity. Heh.

My first instinct is to edit it, or write a disclaimer saying "I'm not usually like this! I swear normally I'm chipper, and while I know the admission that I snarfed a whole pint of Ben & Jerry's before writing it is very "oh no wonder you're fat, fattie!"...I don't usually do that either. I actually eat healthier than most people I know! I swear! I SWEAR!"

But now I'm thinking...fuck that. Because why shouldn't I have a pity party sometimes? And WHO am I apologizing to if I break down after a bad day and overeat? I mean, I know it's bad, but why should I apologize or feel bad about it? Just move on, that's what Weight Watchers says. My leader my first time around in WW (who I miss despearately, becuase she was the only leader I've had who didn't make me want to gag or roll my eyes out of my head) used to say "If you go off program, of if you have a binge, it doens't matter how much you ate. It doesn't matter if you binge for a week straight. Or a month straight! All you have to do is lick your fingers, say 'Damn that was delicious,' and just move on and keep going."

I loved that. I never forgot it. And really...that ice cream was good. Heh.

So anyway....

Is There Something I'm Not Getting?

So look.

I read a lot of "body blogs," some, like my favorites, Elastic Waist or Big Fat Deal, are very much about size positivity, focusing on the fact that we fat girls (one thing I do like is reclaiming the word "fat" not as an insult, but as an adjective...because let's face it. 248? I'm fat!) shouldn't let "The Man" get us down, but just love ourselves and be happy and healthy. Very true.

These types of blogs also make a point of saying that fat women have normal dating lives and can "find true love," and all that.

I'd like to believe this is true...but it's never really been the case for me. Being fat has been nothing but a giant (heh) obstacle for me when it comes to romance.

I've had exactly one boyfriend in my life, interspersed with various one-night stands and some casual dating. Guys, generally, aren't into me. I'm outgoing, confident, pretty, I'm funny, quick-witted...I like sports, I like beer, I am up for anything, I'm interesting....there is NO reason I shouldn't be able to get a date.

And yet? Nothing.

My friends claim this is becuase I'm intimidating, and that nothing would be different even if I were thin...and I guess there might be some merit to that argument. Who knows, maybe I am too outgoing and confident, and that's what's turning men off; not my fat.

But what about the ones that don't even bother talking to me before they reject me? That is, when I'm out with my thin friends, guys approach them and offer drinks, and strike up conversations, all the usual things people do when they're picking people up. This does not happen to me.

I do it all the time myself, I try, I do everything the magazines say. But that guy that all the other fat girls are always blogging about, that great guy that likes them for them, and doesn't care about their fat, blah blah blah? He's not really coming out of the woodwork for me.

Oh, and that one boyfriend? We were together for almost three years. When we met? I was a size 12. I got up to a 16 while we were together, gaining about 40 pounds. He didn't mind, he had his own weight issues too. But I often wonder if he'd have come up to talk to me that night if I were the size I was when we broke up.

And now I'm up another 30....how does a 27 year old girl who is cute and fun and bubbly but weighs 248 pounds manage to find anyone willing to look past that? It's frustrating and feels impossible. And, I'm lonely. And, it sucks. And, I haven't had a date in almost a year. And, I'm tired of it, and jealous of all my friends with boyfriends, and getting really sick of coming home only to my kitties. However cute they may be.

So honestly, I know I just started this blog and have gotten like three hits, but if anyone sees this, and is a fat girl that managed to land a decent guy without starving herself first, just tell me. HOW? Because the only time I ever got one was when I was thin(ish). So I really have no clue. And since I've been trying to shed these pounds (again) for the last two years and only ended up fatter? I really don't think my libido and loneliness will wait until hell freezes over and I actually do succeed?

//So I ate a pint of B&J tonight for dinner (sigh)...Doens't that mean I'm allowed a depressing rant? (mirthless chuckle)