Our Insecurities

I love that pic, god bless LOLcats for giving us a needed dose of levity.

Today I re-joined Weight Watchers for the fifteen hundredth time in my life. I remember the times it has worked for me. I remember losing 100 pounds my first year in the program. Yet after regaining 75 of those one hundred pounds, I can't remember how exactly it works. Because I can't seem to control myself this time around. But hey, tomorrow is "Day1" in my new journal, and I'm going to give it a go. We'll see. Ugh.

I just look at pics of myself after that 100 pounds, and I can't get over how great I look, and I can't help but think of how much I still thought I had to lose at that time. Good lord. When I was at my thinnest, I still felt so *FAT*. It's crazy, because right now, I'd kill, literally, to be that small again, I can't imagine having a problem with being that size. It's just nutty.

As for the title of this post. I met a boy.

The boy is from far away. We met at a bar when I was on a trip for a friend's birthday. We made out for two hours. He had his hands all over me. He was ridiculously cute, we talked about me taking him back to our hotel. It couldn't happen, because I was staying with my friends and he was with his friends.

And yet, we stayed in touch. We have been emailing nearly every day for the over a month since we met. It's been great, we have a million things in common, he's funny, kind, witty, interesting, and he wants to come visit me next month. I really, really like him.

He's "friended" me on Facebook.

He has access to a few dozen photos of me that are perfectly representative of how I look.

And yet? I'm terrified. I'm terrified that he's going to get off the plane when he comes to visit and say "holy shit, what kind of beer goggles was I wearing that night?"

I think these thoughts because I weigh 252 pounds, and I can't escape them. This guy likes me. We've talked on the phone, we've exchanged countless emails, he really, really likes me. I know he does. And yet? I'm terrified.

I hate how fat does that to us. I mean, this guy has had his arms around me...he knows exactly how wide around I am. He knows that there's a healthy roll of flab around my belly area, because he's felt it with his hands. And yet? I think because he's a "normal" weight, that he is going to think I'm not good enough. That he's going to freak out about what his friends might think for falling for a fat girl.

Nevermind that one of the friends he was there at the bar with that night was also hitting on me, that asked me to dance several times and was ridiculously into me.

I still can't escape thoughts that his friends, society, whatever, will talk him out of liking me as much as he clearly does. I mean, this guy is going to buy a plane ticket to come and spend a few days with me, and I can't event be excited because all I can think about is how I am not good enough (read: "thin enough") for him.

It's so fucked up. UGH.

Is There Something I'm Not Getting?

So look.

I read a lot of "body blogs," some, like my favorites, Elastic Waist or Big Fat Deal, are very much about size positivity, focusing on the fact that we fat girls (one thing I do like is reclaiming the word "fat" not as an insult, but as an adjective...because let's face it. 248? I'm fat!) shouldn't let "The Man" get us down, but just love ourselves and be happy and healthy. Very true.

These types of blogs also make a point of saying that fat women have normal dating lives and can "find true love," and all that.

I'd like to believe this is true...but it's never really been the case for me. Being fat has been nothing but a giant (heh) obstacle for me when it comes to romance.

I've had exactly one boyfriend in my life, interspersed with various one-night stands and some casual dating. Guys, generally, aren't into me. I'm outgoing, confident, pretty, I'm funny, quick-witted...I like sports, I like beer, I am up for anything, I'm interesting....there is NO reason I shouldn't be able to get a date.

And yet? Nothing.

My friends claim this is becuase I'm intimidating, and that nothing would be different even if I were thin...and I guess there might be some merit to that argument. Who knows, maybe I am too outgoing and confident, and that's what's turning men off; not my fat.

But what about the ones that don't even bother talking to me before they reject me? That is, when I'm out with my thin friends, guys approach them and offer drinks, and strike up conversations, all the usual things people do when they're picking people up. This does not happen to me.

I do it all the time myself, I try, I do everything the magazines say. But that guy that all the other fat girls are always blogging about, that great guy that likes them for them, and doesn't care about their fat, blah blah blah? He's not really coming out of the woodwork for me.

Oh, and that one boyfriend? We were together for almost three years. When we met? I was a size 12. I got up to a 16 while we were together, gaining about 40 pounds. He didn't mind, he had his own weight issues too. But I often wonder if he'd have come up to talk to me that night if I were the size I was when we broke up.

And now I'm up another 30....how does a 27 year old girl who is cute and fun and bubbly but weighs 248 pounds manage to find anyone willing to look past that? It's frustrating and feels impossible. And, I'm lonely. And, it sucks. And, I haven't had a date in almost a year. And, I'm tired of it, and jealous of all my friends with boyfriends, and getting really sick of coming home only to my kitties. However cute they may be.

So honestly, I know I just started this blog and have gotten like three hits, but if anyone sees this, and is a fat girl that managed to land a decent guy without starving herself first, just tell me. HOW? Because the only time I ever got one was when I was thin(ish). So I really have no clue. And since I've been trying to shed these pounds (again) for the last two years and only ended up fatter? I really don't think my libido and loneliness will wait until hell freezes over and I actually do succeed?

//So I ate a pint of B&J tonight for dinner (sigh)...Doens't that mean I'm allowed a depressing rant? (mirthless chuckle)