I love that pic, god bless LOLcats for giving us a needed dose of levity.
Today I re-joined Weight Watchers for the fifteen hundredth time in my life. I remember the times it has worked for me. I remember losing 100 pounds my first year in the program. Yet after regaining 75 of those one hundred pounds, I can't remember how exactly it works. Because I can't seem to control myself this time around. But hey, tomorrow is "Day1" in my new journal, and I'm going to give it a go. We'll see. Ugh.
I just look at pics of myself after that 100 pounds, and I can't get over how great I look, and I can't help but think of how much I still thought I had to lose at that time. Good lord. When I was at my thinnest, I still felt so *FAT*. It's crazy, because right now, I'd kill, literally, to be that small again, I can't imagine having a problem with being that size. It's just nutty.
As for the title of this post. I met a boy.
The boy is from far away. We met at a bar when I was on a trip for a friend's birthday. We made out for two hours. He had his hands all over me. He was ridiculously cute, we talked about me taking him back to our hotel. It couldn't happen, because I was staying with my friends and he was with his friends.
And yet, we stayed in touch. We have been emailing nearly every day for the over a month since we met. It's been great, we have a million things in common, he's funny, kind, witty, interesting, and he wants to come visit me next month. I really, really like him.
He's "friended" me on Facebook.
He has access to a few dozen photos of me that are perfectly representative of how I look.
And yet? I'm terrified. I'm terrified that he's going to get off the plane when he comes to visit and say "holy shit, what kind of beer goggles was I wearing that night?"
I think these thoughts because I weigh 252 pounds, and I can't escape them. This guy likes me. We've talked on the phone, we've exchanged countless emails, he really, really likes me. I know he does. And yet? I'm terrified.
I hate how fat does that to us. I mean, this guy has had his arms around me...he knows exactly how wide around I am. He knows that there's a healthy roll of flab around my belly area, because he's felt it with his hands. And yet? I think because he's a "normal" weight, that he is going to think I'm not good enough. That he's going to freak out about what his friends might think for falling for a fat girl.
Nevermind that one of the friends he was there at the bar with that night was also hitting on me, that asked me to dance several times and was ridiculously into me.
I still can't escape thoughts that his friends, society, whatever, will talk him out of liking me as much as he clearly does. I mean, this guy is going to buy a plane ticket to come and spend a few days with me, and I can't event be excited because all I can think about is how I am not good enough (read: "thin enough") for him.
It's so fucked up. UGH.
