Holy Shit

I have not posted in a while.

Truthfully, I haven't been taking care of myself. I've been overeating, overdrinking, overeverything. I've been stressed, depressed, all your basic "essed" things. Things in my life have been hard lately, and the easiest thing to "let go" when your life is hard is the dedication to "being good" about food/exercise all that.

But I've still been keeping tabs on all my favorite fat blogs, trying really hard to get myself back into a mental place where I can start taking care of myself again...This is not your basic fat blog. Most of the ones I read are about acceptance, health at any size, etc...

This is a blog dedicated to my wanting very much to lose weight. I wish I didn't want to, I wish I shared the wonderful, luminous, beautiful (and so effing SMART) Kate Harding's perspective...I wish that I was just about being healthy. But the truth is...I'm not. I'd just love to be thin, or at least "thin enough." When I was at my thinnest, aftering weight-watchering myself down to about 175, a size 12...That was "thin enough." I didn't think it was at the time, but at 250 and size 20, I know now that it was. I was fine. I was healthy, gorgeous, smart, wonderful....I'm still all those things (minus the healthy), but I still can't get past the way society sees me. I still want to walk into a bar and NOT be the girl that guys think they can target at last call bc "she's fat, she must be desperate for a lay."

I'd like to not be that girl, but sometimes...I just am. Sometimes I *do* go off with some guy just because I'm thrilled that he's paying attention to me. I know there are those of you out there who weigh as much or more than me who have never had a problem getting dates...but I'm not one of them. I'm just not. Guys have only ever paid serious attention to me when I was thinner. Is it the attitude? I dont' know. Because there have been plenty of times when I've gone out on the town at this size feeling GREAT and confident, and that hasn't really changed the way guys have responded to me. As I say in my sidebar, I'm sometimes even a little full of myself because I'm one of those fat girls who suffers from "such a pretty face" syndrome. I'm pretty...And I carry my weight well and most of the time...even at this weight, I think I look pretty good. But still the guy thing isn't there, so yeah...maybe sometimes I am an easy target.

I know that "getting into a bikini by the time I'm thirty" (the expressed purpose of my recent efforts at WW and this particular blog) should not be the be all end all...and deep down I know it isn't...I just sometimes? Also? Feel like it IS. I just want to be like everyone else. I had dinner with a thin friend tonight and watched her devour a plate of tacos and three margaritas.

I did the same, and had a great time...but the whole time I bet you she was not thinking about how much it was going to "cost" her. I was. Because it will. I've been fat since I was 3 years old, long before I even knew what "fat" was. Clearly, my body is built to store fat. It's in my family...me being very fat is partially, at least, about my genetic and biological makeup. It's also somewhat about my admittedly very poor habits and tendency to overeat and not exercise. But I think there are lots of folks who eat the same as me and are sedentary that don't have these issues...

So...To be "thin enough" I'm going to have to be somewhat miserable and depriving myself forever. And maybe that's fine, maybe someday I'll beat the catastrophic odds telling me I can't do it. Maybe I'll get "dedicated" enough. But most of the time, tonight in particular because I'm feeling a little down...I doubt it.

And that sucks.

And then I turn on TV and theres stupid "Boston Legal," a show I never watch but there was nothing else on. And big fat William Shatner FIRES someone at this fictional firm for being too fat. And then when she sues him he scoffs at her that no jury will agree with her, because "juries like winners" and she is clearly a "loser" because she's so fat.

And I couldn't help sitting here, outraged, and sadly agreeing that he is probably right. Juries reflect society, do they not? And society hates fatties.

And sometimes it just pisses me off. Because I was reading some comments on one of Kate Harding's posts today...and people were kind of joking about how society is more than willing to accept that there are some bodies that are biologically incapable of gaining weight no matter how much a person eats and doesn't exercise. We all know that guy or girl who eats "like a pig" all the time and never puts on a pound. But they AREN'T willing to accept that there are also some bodies incapable of losing.

And the fact is...even when I'm being as "good" as I can possibly be...I still don't lose much. It's infuriating and I don't know what to do. Becuase as much as I admire the fat acceptance movement....I just don't accept my fat. I want to be thin.

Or at least thin enough.

And really right now? I'm just really bummed out about it. That is all.

Week One results

Well after my first week on Weight Watchers (again, some more...I really wonder how much money I've spent on Weight Watchers in the last five years, and yet I am still 245 pounds. Sheesh.), I am down 7 pounds. Technically only 4, because I gained three in the week before joining. Think I was binging in preparation of dieting (again, some more).

I'm worried, because every time I've joined WW I've ended up having a great week to start out with, probably due my body being in shock at actually eating healthfully. Then the next week I gain, and get discouraged. I'm going to say that if I gain two pounds, I won't kill myself, but any more than that and I'll be one unhappy camper.

Our Insecurities

I love that pic, god bless LOLcats for giving us a needed dose of levity.

Today I re-joined Weight Watchers for the fifteen hundredth time in my life. I remember the times it has worked for me. I remember losing 100 pounds my first year in the program. Yet after regaining 75 of those one hundred pounds, I can't remember how exactly it works. Because I can't seem to control myself this time around. But hey, tomorrow is "Day1" in my new journal, and I'm going to give it a go. We'll see. Ugh.

I just look at pics of myself after that 100 pounds, and I can't get over how great I look, and I can't help but think of how much I still thought I had to lose at that time. Good lord. When I was at my thinnest, I still felt so *FAT*. It's crazy, because right now, I'd kill, literally, to be that small again, I can't imagine having a problem with being that size. It's just nutty.

As for the title of this post. I met a boy.

The boy is from far away. We met at a bar when I was on a trip for a friend's birthday. We made out for two hours. He had his hands all over me. He was ridiculously cute, we talked about me taking him back to our hotel. It couldn't happen, because I was staying with my friends and he was with his friends.

And yet, we stayed in touch. We have been emailing nearly every day for the over a month since we met. It's been great, we have a million things in common, he's funny, kind, witty, interesting, and he wants to come visit me next month. I really, really like him.

He's "friended" me on Facebook.

He has access to a few dozen photos of me that are perfectly representative of how I look.

And yet? I'm terrified. I'm terrified that he's going to get off the plane when he comes to visit and say "holy shit, what kind of beer goggles was I wearing that night?"

I think these thoughts because I weigh 252 pounds, and I can't escape them. This guy likes me. We've talked on the phone, we've exchanged countless emails, he really, really likes me. I know he does. And yet? I'm terrified.

I hate how fat does that to us. I mean, this guy has had his arms around me...he knows exactly how wide around I am. He knows that there's a healthy roll of flab around my belly area, because he's felt it with his hands. And yet? I think because he's a "normal" weight, that he is going to think I'm not good enough. That he's going to freak out about what his friends might think for falling for a fat girl.

Nevermind that one of the friends he was there at the bar with that night was also hitting on me, that asked me to dance several times and was ridiculously into me.

I still can't escape thoughts that his friends, society, whatever, will talk him out of liking me as much as he clearly does. I mean, this guy is going to buy a plane ticket to come and spend a few days with me, and I can't event be excited because all I can think about is how I am not good enough (read: "thin enough") for him.

It's so fucked up. UGH.

I Go Out Walkin'....

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Check Me Out, I suck!

What? I've been busy!

And I haven't really dedicated much time to the old bikini-by-thirty goal in recent weeks (good thing my goal is two years off, yes?). I've been disappointing myself. But if there's one thing I've learned in my lifelong struggle with this shit, it only really comes to you when you're really ready.

I'm trying to make good choices, I've been eating a lot of organic, for example. And trying to up my "whole grains and fruits and veggies" intake as well. Less junk, more good shit, right?

Unfortunately, while I have been doing that, I've also been doing a whole lot of drinking and consuming of sugar, and not nearly enough working out. Ugh.

And tonight I ate 7 quaker granola bars. Can that kill a person? My capacity for food baffles me. I definitely must have that fat person thing, that thing that doesn't tell you when you're full. I could easily consume an entire large pizza, and then finish it off with a pint of Ben and Jerry's. I might feel sick afterwards for like, an hour, but once that hour was up I'd be ready to go again.

And I know the wisdom goes that the reason I could be hungry again so soon is that I wasn't eating anything of substance, but I could proabably also consume a ton of healthy shit too, stuff that's supposed to make a person feel full and satisfied for hours on end. Please!

I think it must just bc I've been overeating my whole life and have a bigger stomach. That's half the point of stomach stapling, isn't it?

Anyway, I plan to hit the gym in the a.m., I'm even going to bed very soon to make sure that happens. All I can do is try, at this point. I really hate going to WW, but that's obviously the best thing for me, so I'm going to force myself to go back this week as well.

I will continue tracking my results here, no matter how ugly they are (as tonight's result clearly indicates!)

Oh, Entourage

Okay, so I really love "Entourage," and I get that it's set in L.A., the shallow center of the universe, where thin is in and anything over a size 2 is a heifer, blah blah blah.

But Sunday night's episode (just watching now) featured Turtle, who while not huge is definitely a bit fat, on a hunt for sex in an effort to win a bet. One of the other characters suggests Craigslist, where they check out profiles of fat girls looking for sex, figuring that would be an "easy close." Naturally, Turtle rejects them as "pigs."

I won't even touch the whole "fat chicks must be easy because they're so desperate" meaning behind that. But nothing bugs me more than when fat men scoff at the idea of being with fat women. Hypocritical much?

Admittedly, if I had my dream choice of men who'd love me and be with me no matter my weight, I might not automatically say I'd want a fat guy although I wouldn't want a hard body either, maybe more like a Turtle type, if I'm honest. Heh, maybe that's my issue with it, I feel like he's rejecting me when I'd totally love to have him. Ha! I've figured it out.

And, since he ended up having to wear a big pink fuzzy bunny outfit in order to get laid, I guess I can forgive it.

But still. Fuck a fattie now and then, Turtle! It'll keep you grounded in big bad Hollywood.

So, We're Not Allowed to Have Friends Anymore Either?

This might be the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen. Honestly.

I've been a fatty my whole life, okay? In that time, I've had exactly one friend who was also fat, and she was fat when I met her. I actually find this weird, or at least unusual, that all my friends have been normal-weighted or even quite thin. Not saying that fat girls only ever hang out with other fat girls, but I never did. I guess it just worked out that way.

But seriously, that article is ridiculous.

Ew, I Sound So Pathetic!

I just re-read my previous post....and if I were a casual observer, I'd say my problem is my defeatist attitude and self pity. Heh.

My first instinct is to edit it, or write a disclaimer saying "I'm not usually like this! I swear normally I'm chipper, and while I know the admission that I snarfed a whole pint of Ben & Jerry's before writing it is very "oh no wonder you're fat, fattie!"...I don't usually do that either. I actually eat healthier than most people I know! I swear! I SWEAR!"

But now I'm thinking...fuck that. Because why shouldn't I have a pity party sometimes? And WHO am I apologizing to if I break down after a bad day and overeat? I mean, I know it's bad, but why should I apologize or feel bad about it? Just move on, that's what Weight Watchers says. My leader my first time around in WW (who I miss despearately, becuase she was the only leader I've had who didn't make me want to gag or roll my eyes out of my head) used to say "If you go off program, of if you have a binge, it doens't matter how much you ate. It doesn't matter if you binge for a week straight. Or a month straight! All you have to do is lick your fingers, say 'Damn that was delicious,' and just move on and keep going."

I loved that. I never forgot it. And really...that ice cream was good. Heh.

So anyway....

Is There Something I'm Not Getting?

So look.

I read a lot of "body blogs," some, like my favorites, Elastic Waist or Big Fat Deal, are very much about size positivity, focusing on the fact that we fat girls (one thing I do like is reclaiming the word "fat" not as an insult, but as an adjective...because let's face it. 248? I'm fat!) shouldn't let "The Man" get us down, but just love ourselves and be happy and healthy. Very true.

These types of blogs also make a point of saying that fat women have normal dating lives and can "find true love," and all that.

I'd like to believe this is true...but it's never really been the case for me. Being fat has been nothing but a giant (heh) obstacle for me when it comes to romance.

I've had exactly one boyfriend in my life, interspersed with various one-night stands and some casual dating. Guys, generally, aren't into me. I'm outgoing, confident, pretty, I'm funny, quick-witted...I like sports, I like beer, I am up for anything, I'm interesting....there is NO reason I shouldn't be able to get a date.

And yet? Nothing.

My friends claim this is becuase I'm intimidating, and that nothing would be different even if I were thin...and I guess there might be some merit to that argument. Who knows, maybe I am too outgoing and confident, and that's what's turning men off; not my fat.

But what about the ones that don't even bother talking to me before they reject me? That is, when I'm out with my thin friends, guys approach them and offer drinks, and strike up conversations, all the usual things people do when they're picking people up. This does not happen to me.

I do it all the time myself, I try, I do everything the magazines say. But that guy that all the other fat girls are always blogging about, that great guy that likes them for them, and doesn't care about their fat, blah blah blah? He's not really coming out of the woodwork for me.

Oh, and that one boyfriend? We were together for almost three years. When we met? I was a size 12. I got up to a 16 while we were together, gaining about 40 pounds. He didn't mind, he had his own weight issues too. But I often wonder if he'd have come up to talk to me that night if I were the size I was when we broke up.

And now I'm up another 30....how does a 27 year old girl who is cute and fun and bubbly but weighs 248 pounds manage to find anyone willing to look past that? It's frustrating and feels impossible. And, I'm lonely. And, it sucks. And, I haven't had a date in almost a year. And, I'm tired of it, and jealous of all my friends with boyfriends, and getting really sick of coming home only to my kitties. However cute they may be.

So honestly, I know I just started this blog and have gotten like three hits, but if anyone sees this, and is a fat girl that managed to land a decent guy without starving herself first, just tell me. HOW? Because the only time I ever got one was when I was thin(ish). So I really have no clue. And since I've been trying to shed these pounds (again) for the last two years and only ended up fatter? I really don't think my libido and loneliness will wait until hell freezes over and I actually do succeed?

//So I ate a pint of B&J tonight for dinner (sigh)...Doens't that mean I'm allowed a depressing rant? (mirthless chuckle)

Keeping it Up

Ee gads, I start a weight loss blog, all excited, and then abandon it after only a couple days. Just like most of my diet plans!

I have come to realize that fat blogging pretty much is like a diet--some days I'm excited to do it, some days I'm lazy and useless and stuffing my face with rotisserie chicken right off the carcass; like I was doing just now (ahem). Damn my mother and her leftovers! Did I mention the rubarb pie?

That being said, I did manage to shave off 2 pounds this week, so at least there's that!

I will resume daily food journaling and general non-piggishness tomorrow, once I pry this snout off my face!

Today's Snarfage

As always, here's the boring food list...and the utter hilarity that follows. Two words: 90210 parody (the Andrea Zuckerman imitation? GOLD.)

I think even after only two days of being good about writing down my food, I can see clearly that I have a massive sweet tooth (well, I always knew that) that I try to satiate with fruit. Fruit is good for me, yes, but also high in sugar. I am majorly lacking in veggies. Must work on this from here on out. Two servings of veg a day.

Brekkie:

1 c. Kashi Go Lean with 1/4 c. blueberries - 4 pts (26 remain)
1 medium iced coffee with skim and sweet n low - 1 pt (25)

Lunch:

Healthy Choice chicken noodle soup cup - 3 pts (22)
1 c. sliced strawberries and blueberries - 2 pts (20)
100 cal oreos - 2 pts (18)

Snackage:

Apple - 2 pts (16)
Sugar free pudding - 1 pt (15)
4 Twizzlers - 2 pts (13)

Dinnah:

Made a REAL dinner tonight! Too bad I ate way too much of it. Need to estimate on points here...

"Healthy" American chopped suey (whole wheat rotini, lean ground turkey burger, stewed canned tomatoes), um, a big bowl...

Why not just give it the whole 13 points? That doesn't help the fact that I caved and had more 100 cal cookies for "dessert," so I'm in the hole minus 2 on the day. Sucky.

Okay, well enough of that bullcrap. Onto the hilarity:

Worst Fat Fear

I've never really been skeert of the things that fat chicks are stereotypically afraid of. I don't mind hitting the gym in my tight running pants, I am pretty comfortable in just about any social situation, I don't tend to think everyone I see is staring at me...and I know that in actuality, a lot of other fat girls aren't afraid of these things either. But generally speaking, these are the stereotypes. The one I do fall into is the "constant tugging at clothes" thing.

Every time I get up from my desk, or the couch, or the table, or the bar, or wherever, I immediately go tugging on my shirt or yanking up my pants, desperate to make sure there is no stray flab showing. I need to come up with some sort of aversion therapy to break this habit.

But the one thing that keeps me up at night? The thought of showing up from the neck down on the news at night in one of those news stories on all the ways fat people are ruining America.

How do they even get that footage, anyway? Do they send some poor cameraman out on the street on a Fatty Hunt? Actually, that sounds kind of fun. Too bad the notion of heading out there with a camera to shoot people from the neck down without their knowing so their big, fat, guts will scare America into eating right is so tremendously creepy.

Today's Snarfage

I generally despise posts consisting of nothing but "here's what I eated toodays," but I gotta admit, keeping accurate food diaries is pretty essential. So I gotta. But here's the upside: I'll always be honest, even on days when I really should have just strapped a feedbag fully of Chubby Hubby to my face and been done with it (today's a good example). And I'll always close with a laugh. Tonight, it's an LOL Cat.

(I don't care what anyones says, I still loves mah kittehs and always will!)

So, onto the snarfage:

Brekkie:

1c Kashi with blueberries and skim - 4 pts (26 remain)
1 medium iced coffee with milk and sweetener - 2 pts (24)

Lunchy:

Lean Cuisine rigatoni - 4 pts (20)
Sugar free pudding - 1 pt (19)
Apple - 2 pts (17)

Snackage:

Strawberries - 1 pt (16)
100 Calorie Chips ahoy - 2 pts (14)

Din-Din (confession: I do. not. cook. Dinner always ends up being more like "several hours of grazing slowly until my points are all gone." I am aware this is a terrible thing, and not constructive to the ultimate goal here...but hey, I said I'd be honest. So here's my "dinner."):

1 whole wheat mini tortilla with hummus - 2 pts (12)
5 mini dill pickles - 0 pts (12)
Handful baby carrots - 0 pts (12)
Sweet potato (medium) - 3 pts (9)
Sugar free pudding - 1 pt (8)
100 cal teddy grahams - 2 pts (6)
Kashi with strawberries - 4 pts (2)
More strawberries - 2 pts (0)

Normally I'd also post about my activity for the day here, but seeing as how my lazy fat ass totally bailed on the gym tonight, I gots nothing.

But instead, da catz!

I Am Totally Wearing a Bikini to my 30th Birthday Party (so what if it's in 2009?)

Let me begin by saying that I never wanted to keep a fat blog. I'm not sure why, I've been blogging forever. But I felt like I bitched enough about my weight in my regular blogs, I didn't need to keep another one.

But at this point? I'm willing to try anything. I'm very tired of constantly starting over with the dieting (on and off Weight Watchers for years with varying success) and the workouts (have managed to stay pretty steady there, about 3 times per week on average at the gym), and having nothing work. So why not write? It's what I do best, what I like best, it'll help me associate one of the more positive things in my life with the thing I hate most (my efforts to get back into the clothes in the "thin box" in my closet). Plus, it'll give my hands something to do while I'm home alone besides stuff my piehole. Mmm, pie.

So, the skinny (heh): My weight peaked in early 2002 at age 22, weighing in at my first Weight Watchers meeting at 276.8 pounds.

"Well, I am wearing this huge sweater and jeans...that's got to be like 128 pounds right there, right?"
"Um, sure..."

Note: The sweater was a men's J. Crew XXL. It probably did, to be fair, weigh a good five pounds. But still...yikes.

Managed to peel off 100 pounds in a year with extremely minimal effort. After 22 years of (generally speaking, particularly after high school) complete bingery and lazy-assedness, my body was all "Who in the what now? We're jogging?? Ha! Oh my goodness, what an odd sensation. Slim Fast shakes and Kashi for breakfast? Is that PROTEIN? Oh dearie me...well here you go, here's 15 pounds off in a week."

Seriously, I lost crazy weight without trying that hard. I did attend the meetings (VERY key, for any of you out there trying it. No meetings usually means no success. As lame-o as they can tend to be.), and I usually wrote down my food (also key) every day. But I also still drank and partied a LOT on the weekends, and "cheated" (a terrible way to put it) at least a couple times a month on stuff like pizza or Chinese. My friends would hate me for drinking 10 rum and diets on a Tuesday and still managing to drop 4 pounds at our Thursday meetings.

So yeah, 100 pounds in a year, before I plateaued. I kept off that 100 for a little over another year. And even then, I had plateaued but I was happy. I was a size 12, which was okay with me. I was very fit, working out a lot, and being blonde and extremely attractive I never had any troubles meeting guys--a high priority at age 23 and 24 (and, let's face it, always).

I know I'm sounding a bit conceited, but I can't help it...I'm a freaking hottie all the time, but even more so when I'm thin. Gotta hold on to something here! It's actually one of the biggest things that pisses me off about being so fat, that I get the "you've got such a pretty face" all the time. Why do people say this? Do I go up to plain girls and say, "You've got SUCH a nice rack...too bad about your face"? No, no I do not. Want to know why? Becuase that's fucking rude. I'm only rude to people who deserve it, like surly customer service reps. And small children.

Sometimes I wish I were ugly, it's like being pretty and fat means you're an even bigger tragedy than being ugly and fat.

"Oh dear...if you would just lose weight, think of how gorgeous you'd be! You could be a movie star!"
"I couldn't be one the way I am now?"
"Oh dear, well..."

True enough, I guess (if I could act). Even at my current weight (250) I've been told I resemble Katherine Heigl (Izzie from Grey's Anatomy), Drew Barrymore, and someone called Jessica Vega from One Life to Live--not sure who she is but if she's on a soap she's probably hot!

But alas, my lot in life has tended more towards Sookie than Lorelai. And so, the weight? She came back eventually. Not all of it, just most of it. I got a boyfriend with similar food issues, we were both at good weights when we met, but then our "nesting" period turned into a giant and delicious nest made of Cheetos (mmm) and pumpkin pie. I was back up from 177 to 236 by the end of our first year together. Dropped back down to 205 by the end of the second year, but back up to 220 by the time we broke up.

I figured that despite the pain I felt at the breakup, the one shred of silver lining was that without Fatty McBoyfriend around it would be easier to "get back on program."

Snort!

One year post breakup? I am up to 250. I haven't weighed this much since this time in 2002, after losing my first 25 pounds in two scant months on Weight Watchers.

I've basically spent the past three years going up and down like Paris on a pogo stick, but have settled between 240 and 250 for the past 10 months or so, constantly telling everyone I know (who, bless them, take it with a grain of salt becuase they sure as hell haven't seen any results from me) that I'm "going to really stick with it this time."

I'm getting sick of hearing that from myself, and I'm sure as Hell they're sick of hearing it from me. So instead I'm going to pour it all in here. I'll update every day if I can, and post weigh-in results every week (Thursday will be weigh-in day, so this Thursday may not go down much from tonight). I'll post food diaries (zzz, I know, but it helps!), tips, and anything else that crosses my mind about this battle. Occasionally, I'll post long boring rants about how much I can't stand my lot in life (must remember to create a "Wah wah me" category), or triumphant spurts of small victories, like running another 5k (I remember, a time, when I ran them regularly, and even did a 10k once without stopping to walk at all).

I turn 28 in about a month and a half. I'm giving myself until 30 to lose the weight again and then some. I want to weigh 150 pounds and wear a bikini to my 30th birthday party in two years and change.

So that's it. Must also remember one thing: If I don't weigh that little in two years time? It sure as shit won't be for lack of trying.